The grass is always greener

The grass is always greener is a statement that has proven time and time again to be true at various points throughout my life. The last time I really felt this was when Ros and I packed everything up and moved to California to pursue our travel nursing dreams, only to figure out that I really loved New England and couldn't wait to come back. After all, the grass isn't greener in San Diego, it's all brown and dead because there is just too damn much sun.

I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Now that I've been one for the past week or so, I am really glad I am returning to work part-time. It's not that I don't love spending time with Dillon, because I definitely do. I just miss having adult conversation throughout the day. I was totally spoiled for the first 6ish weeks having Ros home with me to split all the responsibilities, minus the breastfeeding. I could eat when I wanted, there was always someone home to entertain the baby while I showered, we could chat. I find the life of a housewife to be a bit lonely. I'm going to try and find some activities for the baby and I to enjoy together during the last 4 weeks of my maternity leave besides my breastfeeding support group.

Dillon is 7 weeks old already. It's amazing how time flies. Everyone tells you this will happen, and you can't truly appreciate it until you live it. Feels like just yesterday I was wishing her out of me, now sometimes I wish I could just pop her back in for a little while. She's getting way more fun that she was during the first 6 weeks. Those were some of the toughest weeks of my life. I have never really spent that much time with a newborn before so I didn't really know what we were in for. Boy, did we have a cranky baby. Not only a cranky baby, but one that never slept during the day (thankfully she did at night) and would cry and cry when she wasn't attached to my boob. Now we are able to have fun awake time. She coos, giggles, smiles, and is way more interactive. She still has her moments, after all she has a very strong personality, but we are managing. We definitely have a little firecracker on our hands.

Breastfeeding is going better thanks to daily oatmeal, More Milk Plus herbal supplements, and a nightly Guinness. It's certainly not great, but we are managing... Good thing because Dillon HATES formula; she spits, gags, and lets it stream out of the sides of her mouth. I guess we're in it for the long haul. I just hope my boobies can keep up.

Dillon and her early impression of Brittney Spears. Too bad Brit wasn't wearing a onesie.

Dillon's first trip to IKEA.

Sporting some curly hair after a good washing.

Her gender bending outfit. Love it!

First trip to Rockport. Naked because she hates 90 degrees.

-Nickie

Dillon's Big Discovery

I'm a month old!!

It's been a big week! Dillon made her first big trip, had her first real smiles, and she realized that the chubby extremities that have been poking her in the eyes for the last few weeks can be controlled.

We went to Provincetown for a night last week. For those who don't know Ptown, it's the gay Mecca of the east coast on the very tip of Massachusetts. It's a great place to feel "normal" for a while. The trip took an extra hour and the car was loaded for our 24 hour excursion. Dillon slept almost the whole time in the car; sleeping in the car is a new thing and thank gawd she acquired this talent for the 4 hour trip. We stayed at an inn right behind town hall, which was the perfect location for running back to feed her every 2 hours. The room had a kitchenette which was good if we needed to warm bottles. I never thought we would have to "strategize" before a vacation, but I guess this is what we need to do from now on.

Dillon put her feet in the ocean for the first time. She wasn't thrilled about it, but we were. The cold inducing cringe was so cute! The rest of our day and night were totally atypical from our regular PTown vacations. No pregaming, no bars, no t-dances, no Spiritus pizza at 2am... We found a stroller-friendly restaurant, had a drink each (which got us surprisingly buzzed) and passed out at the inn by 10pm (which is late for us). Dillon was up early, so I walked her around town in the Moby wrap in the AM. I watched some folks doing the walk of shame and finishing their night while our day was beginning. Sigh... BUT we had a great time anyways; it was just different.

Here's one of Dill's first smiles while on the way to PTown. She's getting better at it as time goes on. It's nice to know when she's enjoying something. After weeks of just looking at either a straight face, sleeping or crying, I started to wonder if she likes anything at all. She even smiled at her pediatrician (Hi, Jill!) at her 1 month appointment. Obviously, Dillon doesn't know what a vaccine is yet... =P

Lastly, the day Dillon turned a month old, I whipped out the play mat thinking she would just lay on it and stare blankly. I put it down while Nickie was getting a hair cut. To my surprise, she started kicking and batting the toys as soon as I put her down! I grabbed her, worried that Nickie would be upset if she missed it. This is now her favorite place to hang out.

That's our week. Full of excitement!

-Ros

Breastfeeding woes

For something so natural, breastfeeding is one of the most innately unnatural things I have ever done. I had heard countless times how hard it would be for the first 6 weeks and then how happy I'd be if I could just stick it out, I hope that is true. Everyone said it's going to feel like she's got razors in her mouth, your nipples will bleed, etc etc... Sore nipples were my problem for like .2 seconds, after all a week of something sucking on your boobs every 2-3 hours, they either buck up and toughen up or they mind as well just fall off. Latching has never been our problem, from our first moments of trying this new thing together, everyone has always been impressed with her latch.

As I sit here I am just waiting for 20 minutes to pass by between pumpings for my first time "power pumping". What's power pumping you may be wondering, it's pumping for 20 minutes, waiting 20 minutes, then pumping for 20 more. Sounds easy enough, but pumping your boobs for 20 minutes makes your nipples look and feel gross.

My biggest problem so far feeding my child "naturally" aside from trying to breastfeed her at Ruby Tuesday, has been my afternoon milk supply. By the looks of Dillon when she's at the feeding trough anytime between 11am and around 6pm, it would seem as if the taps were completely dry. She sucks for about 5 minutes then starts pulling off, eagerly latching back on, then pulling back off in frustration. After a few minutes she starts crying when she pulls off, I give them a quick squeeze and nothing, barely a drop. We switch sides but the same thing happens. During the night, when my prolactin is high apparently, boobs are full, she latches on for about 20 minutes, happily gulping and sighing with satisfaction. Why can't all of our feedings be this easy?

I've been to breastfeeding support groups, wrote to breastfeeding support chat groups and always get the same answer, everything is fine. They say I have to just trust my body, that I am making plenty of milk, just relax and let mother nature work. I don't think that mother nature is an active observer for us during the day because I feel like I am in a war between, my body and my baby. I don't want to starve her, and I know I'm not as she is gaining weight and peeing normally. But the sound and look of her during these frustrating times is heartbreaking.

Even more heartbreaking (for me) is that we gave in and supplemented her with formula for 2 feedings yesterday and one today. I will have her nurse and then when the taps are totally dry we'll give her a couple oz of formula. I hate giving her that crap, but I feel like we have no other choice.

After calling a lactation consultant we inadvertently met while Dillon was under the bili lights, we'll try the power pumping for a few days and see if that will make me produce more milk so we can get her off the formula. This stuff must be like cement because she hasn't pooped all day, so unlike her.

I really hope that things can improve for us as far as breastfeeding goes. I think it is the biggest source of stress for me since she's been born. I just want to be able to feed her and not think about it so I can enjoy this short, precious time with her.

Update and a Reality Check

All is well in our hot little house. Dillon is settling into a sorta-kinda schedule. Her colors are coming out... and they're vibrant! She's going to be a little firecracker; we can already tell. Her nickname is DQ (Drama Queen). We're hoping this is some newborn shenanigans, but if this is just her, it's still not all that bad. As long as I can pace and bounce and as long as Nickie can lactate, we'll be just fine.
I had a sobering moment in the last hour. Through some spying and lurking, I'm able to see a few photos of other children from our donor. We originally thought Dillon had Nickie's nose, but after some examination, I'm pretty sure she got it from the donor. It's a very cute button nose that a few kids seem to have. It was nice to think that Dillon was just a clone and "Mr. Invisible" was just a muted 50%....
I read some people's struggles about the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) on a message board. A lot of parents register their kids to be in contact with others who used the same donor. Nickie and I haven't talked about this yet. Apparently, tthe DSR sells contact info to studies on nature vs nurture, which I'm not thrilled about. I also don't know how much I want to know. Does Dillon ever need to know how "popular" her donor was? Is that going to be something she'll see as a negative? I feel like through all of our planning, this wasn't something we thought out very well. I guess if she wants to seek out information, we can help her, but I don't know how much I can stomach right now. I want to just pretend she was an immaculate conception from two women in love for a little while... =)
-Ros

FML

Ros and I decided to take our longest adventure yet today... all the way to the Wrentham Outlets. Wrentham isn't that far from our house, about a 30 minute drive. But when you take into account that Dillon breastfeeds every 2 hours during the day, taking about 30-40 minutes to nurse, that gives you about 1 hour and 20 minutes before the next milking session is due it becomes quite a task to have to drive for 1 hour.

We are lucky that although she doesn't pass out in the car (of course our baby wouldn't), she does stay nicely asleep when she is being pushed around in her car seat and snap and go. So at around the 3 1/2 hour mark from her last feed (we did let her sleep so we could shop) we decided that we'd go and have some dinner ourselves at Ruby Tuesday and I'd try breastfeeding in public for the first time.

There was some preparation in this venture, as we figured she would probably have to eat during our outing. We brought the Boppy and some special cover your boobs type thingy made for whipping out your tatas in public to feed your child. Although well planned, we learned 2 1/2 weeks ago that the best laid plans hardly ever work out the way you want them to.

So into Ruby Tuesdays we went, unloaded the snap and go into our booth and sat down in the children's section of the restaurant. I got up and went to the salad bar to make the salad I would eat with my one free hand while breastfeeding Dillon at the same time. I sat down, put the Boppy on my lap, then Dillon, then that stupid fabric thingy around my neck, and whipped out the boob. Dillon just wasn't having it, after all we weren't sitting comfortably on the chaise of our couch propped with pillows and allowing the fresh air to blow freely over us. She was stuck on my lap between the table and my stomach with stupid fabric covering her little face. She wouldn't stay latched, it required both of my hands to try and keep her in position, and she would scream every time she pulled herself off of me. Our food arrived, and I just gave Ros a pathetic look. There was no way I was going to be able to eat, so we asked for a to go box. Then I realized, our life was never going to be the way it used to be, it's all about Dillon now.

Of course the woman at the table behind us easily bottle fed her baby while eating her dinner with her other free hand. It's just ironic the contrast, my struggle and her ease. If I didn't feel that the benefits of breast milk weren't so important, I so would have given up the breastfeeding already. It's amazing that something so "natural" is so unnatural in reality and practice. I wish that I was the type of woman with copious breast milk and was able to pump out ounces at a time then we could bottle feed the milk, but I am only able to pump 1/2 to 1 oz at a time.

Hopefully with some practice I will become an expert public breast feeder because I definitely can't organize our lives into 2 hour increments for the next few months.

Double digits

Wow, I can't believe our baby is double digits in days already. We've been home from the hospital for 1 week and I think we are adjusting OK. We had to stay an extra night in the hospital because Dillon's bilirubin levels were a little high so she had to spend 24 hours tanning under the bili lights. This was definitely our worse night in the hospital as we could only hold her every 3 hours to feed and change her and then it was back under the lights. It was also fun sleeping in a room with what seemed to be a huge neon sign. But we made it through and she is no longer the color of a highlighter.

It has been quite an adjustment being home with a new baby. I didn't know how hard it would be to breastfeed. I was prepared for the sore nipples but I wasn't prepared for the constant, around the clock feedings. It kind of sucks to be the only one who can feed her right now, especially at night when all I want to do is sleep, but I have to get up every 3ish hours to feed her. We are lucky that most nights we have to wake her to eat and then she falls back asleep giving me intermittent 2-3 hour stretches at a time. This wasn't the case our 2nd night home as I consumed too much dairy that day (every meal I ate had some sort of dairy product) and we paid the price that night with a fussy, gassy baby. I have since cut way down on the dairy, which is really hard as cheese is my favorite food. But I love sleep more so I'll just have to deal.

Ros has made the transition into parenthood easier for me. I don't know how people are able to do this job on their own. Ros has been taking care of most things around the house so I can be Bessie the cow and basically just heal. She gets repaid in naps, which she was able to take a 5 hour one today...more sleep than she's probably gotten in days. It's been awesome to watch her turn into the terrific mother I knew she'd be.

The baby and the dogs are getting along well. Tucker really couldn't care less about her, although he will give her a quick lick now and then. Avery wants to be Dillon's 3rd mother. She gets very concerned when the baby cries and immediately wants to help, sometimes it seems by smothering her. The hardest thing has been trying to keep Avery's tongue out of her face, which we have been managing.

Overall I'd say we are doing pretty well. The hormones seem to be evening themselves out, as I didn't cry at all yesterday, and I don't think I will today. The hardest part is the sleep deprivation, although I know it's a lot worse for many people. For now, we'll just keep snapping pictures and enjoying everyday with her watching her grow and change.

The other mother's version

First, look at these...

Can you stand it?!
Ok... here goes...

Note: I started this over a week ago. Welcome to motherhood. -Ros

No one could have prepped me for what happened during Nickie's labor. In the months leading up to the event, I had helped her with her hypnosis, typed out a full page birth plan and envisioned the wonderful bonding experience we would share. I never thought things would have ended up the way they did.

There is nothing worse than watching the one I love more than anyone go through the amount of pain she did in severity and length. My life has not been terribly difficult, but I have had to do some tough things in my lifetime. This, by far, trumped any other situation I had been in.

Hour 1-15: When we were walking the mall, I remember thinking "this won't be so bad". She would lean over the rail, take a few breaths, and continue to walk. I made sure Nickie was drinking and eating. I'd rub her back. We'd chat between contractions. When we got home from our second walk, I called my parents to pickup the dogs. Nickie started to get less chatty. I thought, "Good. Maybe we'll have a baby tonight!". If I only knew then what I know now...

Hour 16-29: Things started getting tougher. Nickie labored through the night and I would wake up every few minutes to her moaning. She could not do her hypnosis, which was the saving grace in my mind. I thought she would get into it and be comfortable. When we got up to walk up and down the street, she started hanging on my during contractions while we walked, which I thought was nice. As we passed the 24 hour mark, I thought that at least things must be getting close, though I worried that her labor pattern was so odd.

Hours 30-36: At 3pm, when we got to the midwife, I was relieved that she was already 5cms. The ride there was awful and dreaded the idea of bringing her home again. I figured we'd have the baby by the end of the night! As I sped down I-90 to get our bags, I worried that I'd miss something. She might even have the baby without me! (Ha!)

The evening nurse, Yanna, was great, Our midwife, Angela, was incredible. They were so invented and caring. Both took care of Nickie as well as me. They made sure I was drinking and got me a food tray. I don't know how I would've survived without them supporting my....supporting.

Through the evening and into the night, Nickie was a trooper. She'd have a strong contraction, hang, then say "ok" and keep walking. Angela was very impressed with her. My job was to be hung on, talk to her and give her the water bottle between contractions. I thought that after walking miles, we must be getting some where. When she got checked and she had only gone 2cms in 7 hours, I started to wonder how much longer she could do this.

Hour 37-43: These were the hardest hours of my life. I started to forget why we were there. It felt like I was living minute by minute to watch my wife slowly rip in half. All of the sudden, Nickie wasn't talking between contractions anymore, which the midwife said was good. Nickie wasn't as confident as she had been and would cry. All I could do is hold her, tell her how well she was doing and that she could do it (not that she had a choice). I really believed she could do it naturally until she got checked again and she had only gotten to 8 cms in the 3 hours of excruciating pain since the last check. Nickie started to lose it and just said "I'm just so tired". So was I. I was exhausted. I had watched her grimace in her sleep all night the night before. It was 1am at this point on night 2 and I wondered how much more encouragement I could give. I grabbed the semi useless night nurse, Joyce, and I told her to get our midwife. Angela came in and sat on the floor next to Nickie, who was inconsolable. I was rejoicing in my head when she said she would recommend the epidural because of her bizarre labor and length.

It was exciting to see the anesthesiologist come up so fast. I thought this was the end. I'd seen MD's get into the epidural spaces of infants during my years in pedi, so I figured Nickie would be easy. After poke 2, the Angela and nurses were eyeing eachother and I realized this wasn't normal. Nickie had the death grip on my hand through her needle stabs and contractions. I thought the ring on my right hand was going to rip through my skin, but I figured it was a fraction of her pain, so I didn't say anything. Watching her hunched over for 45 mins was inhumane, but at that point I was so delirious it just felt like the worst dream of my life; I thought I would eventually wake up.

Hours 44-48: It was such a relief when they got the epidural in and her water finally broke. We could relax and I started to remember why we were there. When her blood pressure dropped a bit, I wasn't too phased by it. I don't know if it was because I was so tired, or if it was from my ICU days where I knew it was eay to amend. After everything settled out and Nickie fell asleep, I cried for a bit out of happiness because she was laying comfortably for the first time in days. I slept for about an hour before waking up and getting kicked out to get food by the staff, who noticed I hadn't eaten much. The only thing that looked appetizing at 6am was a piece of Boston Cream pie and some pudding.

Hour 48-50-Labor: The last 2 hours flew for me. Nickie didn't think her pushing was doing anything because she couldn't feel it, but I could see a little more hair with every push. Angela pointed out the mohawk the baby was getting as she would come out a little when Nickie pushed then sink back in a little. I think that moved the time for me. I kept covering up Nickie's bottom with a towel so she wouldn't see her 'roids in the mirror (OUCH). When things got close, I saw Angela giving the eye to the day nurse, Melissa. When Angela calmly said she wanted to bring in the OB "just in case" because the baby could have a shoulder dystocia, I thought it would just be icing on the shit cake. Luckily, that didn't happen, because the OB didn't have time to get there.

Watching Nickie pull Dillon up on her chest was surreal. I remember pausing and thinking "this is what the best moment of your life feels like". Just amazing.

Hour 50 1/2: I fell in love. Dillon and I hung out at the warmer while Nickie was getting sewn up. I wanted Nickie to see her, but I appreciated the time I had alone for a few minutes. I was told by others that it can take the second parent a while to bond. That didn't happen to me. She was my baby girl pretty quick. I examined her and saw Nickie: her detached ears, the dipple in her chin, the button nose and obviously the super mop of hair. She was mine from the beginning.

Things I learned:

1) Plans are a great idea, as long as you don't plan on following them. We had our birth planned to the minute and it could not have veered further off course, but in the end, it was okay.

2) Midwifes are angels. Seriously. I have no doubt that Nickie would have ended up with Pitocin and a c-section had we had an OB. And I think she would've given in to these ideas due to a lack of support. Angela was with us every step, as opposed to an OB, who would check in every few hours to pop some digits in Nickie. We both agreed that we would not change a thing when it comes to who was with us.

3) My wife is incredible. I knew this before, but it is ultra reinforced. Who can labor for 42 hours straight the way she could? Not me. I don't think a huge majority of women could. And look what she gave me? Have you seen pictures? I have the cutest kid in the world! I can't love her or thank her enough.