Diaper change

I remember as a soon-to-be parent I had some pretty idealistic notions about parenting and the things I would and wouldn't do once our precious Nugget arrived. Once you become a parent and reality hits hard, you learn to take things one day at a time.

One of the things I said I would never do is let the TV be my child's babysitter. Although it's true that I will not let Dillon be a total couch potato when she gets older, I am already guilty of letting the TV mesmerize my child. Dillon has been obsessed with the TV ever since she was about a week old. I didn't even know babies that young even noticed things like TV but boy did she. There were times when she would be crying endlessly until she caught a glimpse of the glowing screen and ta da, silence. We would cover her eyes or divert her view and the crying would start up again, then she'd see it again and voila, silence again. Now even though this worked to stop the insanity, we didn't use it to our advantage, after all we don't want her to develop newborn ADD. But I am guilty of strapping her in her bouncy seat and turning on Arthur so I could take a quick shower. Although it worked like a charm, it will not become a habit of mine, just an occasional pleasure.

Another thing I was hard set against was using traditional diapers. I had fleeting (and I mean fleeting) thoughts of cloth diapering. But the idea of shaking "solid waste" into the toilet and doing endless shitty diaper laundry in addition to all the other responsibilities was too overwhelming. Next best thing in my mind was to use the chlorine-free, fully compostable, hippie sort of diapers. You know, 7th Generation and Earth's Best, etc, etc. I really have given them all a good ol' college try, but I find for our little pooping machine they just aren't worth the extra money to buy them. Whole Foods brand are WAY over sized. I bought a package of their size 2 which were made for babies 6-14 lbs and they were huge on Dillon. She's a big girl and we were using these when she was about 11lbs, I don't know who thought up the idea that these would fit a newborn. Maybe they would work if you wanted to wrap the entire baby into the diaper??? Next we tried 7th Generation. I don't mind the tan, non-bleached color of these diapers, I minded the fact that these weren't made for a girl with a little junk in her trunk. These are apparently the thong version of diapers, not a fan. We haven't used Earth's Best since our first few weeks and I don't remember the problem we had with them, so maybe I'll give those another whirl. For now, we'll stick with my favorite bleached to the nines, earth destroying Pampers Sensitive Swaddlers. They fit her the best, hardly ever an accident even with her massive explosions. We will never use their regular version with the Dry Max as they gave her blisters on her labia when she was like a week old.

Lastly, I always said we would never give her formula. I am happy to say that aside from the first time she needed it (in the hospital with jaundice) and a couple times after, she has never had any again. Our breastfeeding relationship has improved with a lot of work. It's not easy all of the time, but I know with a little perseverance we can get through whatever challenge is being thrown at us. I am so happy to know that because of my efforts I have grown this child into the 98th percentile that she's in now and I think that's pretty amazing. And the fact that we have no choice but to continue this until she is 1 because she won't drink formula even if we wanted to give it to her. She spits, gags, and acts as if you are trying to poison her. Judging by the smell of that stuff I think I would react the same way. Hopefully my supply will keep up to her growing needs and my return back to work. The new challenge will be finding time to pump every 2-3 hours while working in a busy ER. But feeding my child is my #1 priority, so will be pumping myself like Bessie the cow.

-Nickie

A Mother's Guilt

First, some of Dillon's 10 week photos:

Now... Honestly, I'm not sure what "a mother's guilt" is really supposed to mean. I have my own interpretation, which I shall share.

Since Dillon was born, I have felt guilty about everything and anything I do. Here's a list:

-During my leave, I felt guilty for leaving my staff and co-workers for 7 weeks during a staff crunch

-I also felt guilty not making money during those 7 weeks

-I felt guilty leaving Nickie with the baby for those 2 shifts I did decide to go in during my leave

-Now, I feel guilty that Nickie has the baby's lips super glued to her boobs for months on end and I can't share in the inconvenience

-I feel guilty that the dogs are treated like they used to and don't get as many walks

-I feel guilty leaving work with loose ends because I want to get the hell out of there the second my shift is up

-I feel guilty when I sleep most of the night when I have to work the next day when Nickie gets up a good chunk of the night

-I feel guilty when my brain is not into my work, whether its from lack of sleep or just not having my head in the game

-I feel guilty leaving Nickie 40 hours a week

-I feel guilty leaving Dillon for all that time too

-I felt guilty letting the lawn look like crap over the summer. I hope the neighbors don't hate us

-I feel guilty knowing I could be making a lot more money anywhere else so we wouldn't worry about money as much

-I feel guilty that we used an unknown donor

-I feel guilty taking so many gifts from people for the baby. It's just too much.

-I feel guilty that I can't give as much time to my friends as I used to

-I feel guilty if I'm with my friends and not at home with the baby

The fuel for this: I was at one of my oldest and closest friend's wedding tonight. It was the first time we left Dillon with my parents. We had a great time, but I would get these waves of nausea thinking that we left her with people who don't know her quirks (even though its my parents). THEN, I got zapped with guilt that I knew I had to leave early to alleviate this.

In summary, here is my perpetual feeling: Rock--->Ros<---Hard Place

the end

-Ros

Two Month Update

I'm 2 months old!!

The exciting thing this week... tolerating the Bumbo... It took a while.

Things have been a bit hectic, but our world is starting to settle out. I went back to work.... talk about being thrown to the wolves. I went from being home all the time to being bombarded with 293 teenagers and accompanying parents (I don't know which which group is worse). All I think about at work is how much I want to go home. Nothing feels better than dropping my keys in the mudroom, pulling my Danskos off and scooping up Dillon with her gummy smile.

Dillon's 2 month pediatrician visit solidified our assumption that she's a big girl. She is 98th percentile for her height at 24.5 inches. She's 75th'ish percentile for weight at 11lbs 13.5 oz. And she's got a big noggin too at 15.5 inches. That with her milestone being about a month ahead makes me think she's an evolutionary miracle; a 2 month old that's really 3-4 months old...

Dillon's favorite thing now is blowing raspberries. She's mastered the art, especially when she's pissed. She loves watching people stick their tongues out or make mouth noises. Her mouth noise is when I burp in her face, but Nickie's not a fan of me doing that... Dil started making kissy noises today, which is pretty darn cute.

And, not to brag, but she slept 7 hours straight last night. Thank gawd for a night sleeper!

That's about it! We're happy to be out of newborndom!

-Ros

The grass is always greener

The grass is always greener is a statement that has proven time and time again to be true at various points throughout my life. The last time I really felt this was when Ros and I packed everything up and moved to California to pursue our travel nursing dreams, only to figure out that I really loved New England and couldn't wait to come back. After all, the grass isn't greener in San Diego, it's all brown and dead because there is just too damn much sun.

I always thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Now that I've been one for the past week or so, I am really glad I am returning to work part-time. It's not that I don't love spending time with Dillon, because I definitely do. I just miss having adult conversation throughout the day. I was totally spoiled for the first 6ish weeks having Ros home with me to split all the responsibilities, minus the breastfeeding. I could eat when I wanted, there was always someone home to entertain the baby while I showered, we could chat. I find the life of a housewife to be a bit lonely. I'm going to try and find some activities for the baby and I to enjoy together during the last 4 weeks of my maternity leave besides my breastfeeding support group.

Dillon is 7 weeks old already. It's amazing how time flies. Everyone tells you this will happen, and you can't truly appreciate it until you live it. Feels like just yesterday I was wishing her out of me, now sometimes I wish I could just pop her back in for a little while. She's getting way more fun that she was during the first 6 weeks. Those were some of the toughest weeks of my life. I have never really spent that much time with a newborn before so I didn't really know what we were in for. Boy, did we have a cranky baby. Not only a cranky baby, but one that never slept during the day (thankfully she did at night) and would cry and cry when she wasn't attached to my boob. Now we are able to have fun awake time. She coos, giggles, smiles, and is way more interactive. She still has her moments, after all she has a very strong personality, but we are managing. We definitely have a little firecracker on our hands.

Breastfeeding is going better thanks to daily oatmeal, More Milk Plus herbal supplements, and a nightly Guinness. It's certainly not great, but we are managing... Good thing because Dillon HATES formula; she spits, gags, and lets it stream out of the sides of her mouth. I guess we're in it for the long haul. I just hope my boobies can keep up.

Dillon and her early impression of Brittney Spears. Too bad Brit wasn't wearing a onesie.

Dillon's first trip to IKEA.

Sporting some curly hair after a good washing.

Her gender bending outfit. Love it!

First trip to Rockport. Naked because she hates 90 degrees.

-Nickie

Dillon's Big Discovery

I'm a month old!!

It's been a big week! Dillon made her first big trip, had her first real smiles, and she realized that the chubby extremities that have been poking her in the eyes for the last few weeks can be controlled.

We went to Provincetown for a night last week. For those who don't know Ptown, it's the gay Mecca of the east coast on the very tip of Massachusetts. It's a great place to feel "normal" for a while. The trip took an extra hour and the car was loaded for our 24 hour excursion. Dillon slept almost the whole time in the car; sleeping in the car is a new thing and thank gawd she acquired this talent for the 4 hour trip. We stayed at an inn right behind town hall, which was the perfect location for running back to feed her every 2 hours. The room had a kitchenette which was good if we needed to warm bottles. I never thought we would have to "strategize" before a vacation, but I guess this is what we need to do from now on.

Dillon put her feet in the ocean for the first time. She wasn't thrilled about it, but we were. The cold inducing cringe was so cute! The rest of our day and night were totally atypical from our regular PTown vacations. No pregaming, no bars, no t-dances, no Spiritus pizza at 2am... We found a stroller-friendly restaurant, had a drink each (which got us surprisingly buzzed) and passed out at the inn by 10pm (which is late for us). Dillon was up early, so I walked her around town in the Moby wrap in the AM. I watched some folks doing the walk of shame and finishing their night while our day was beginning. Sigh... BUT we had a great time anyways; it was just different.

Here's one of Dill's first smiles while on the way to PTown. She's getting better at it as time goes on. It's nice to know when she's enjoying something. After weeks of just looking at either a straight face, sleeping or crying, I started to wonder if she likes anything at all. She even smiled at her pediatrician (Hi, Jill!) at her 1 month appointment. Obviously, Dillon doesn't know what a vaccine is yet... =P

Lastly, the day Dillon turned a month old, I whipped out the play mat thinking she would just lay on it and stare blankly. I put it down while Nickie was getting a hair cut. To my surprise, she started kicking and batting the toys as soon as I put her down! I grabbed her, worried that Nickie would be upset if she missed it. This is now her favorite place to hang out.

That's our week. Full of excitement!

-Ros

Breastfeeding woes

For something so natural, breastfeeding is one of the most innately unnatural things I have ever done. I had heard countless times how hard it would be for the first 6 weeks and then how happy I'd be if I could just stick it out, I hope that is true. Everyone said it's going to feel like she's got razors in her mouth, your nipples will bleed, etc etc... Sore nipples were my problem for like .2 seconds, after all a week of something sucking on your boobs every 2-3 hours, they either buck up and toughen up or they mind as well just fall off. Latching has never been our problem, from our first moments of trying this new thing together, everyone has always been impressed with her latch.

As I sit here I am just waiting for 20 minutes to pass by between pumpings for my first time "power pumping". What's power pumping you may be wondering, it's pumping for 20 minutes, waiting 20 minutes, then pumping for 20 more. Sounds easy enough, but pumping your boobs for 20 minutes makes your nipples look and feel gross.

My biggest problem so far feeding my child "naturally" aside from trying to breastfeed her at Ruby Tuesday, has been my afternoon milk supply. By the looks of Dillon when she's at the feeding trough anytime between 11am and around 6pm, it would seem as if the taps were completely dry. She sucks for about 5 minutes then starts pulling off, eagerly latching back on, then pulling back off in frustration. After a few minutes she starts crying when she pulls off, I give them a quick squeeze and nothing, barely a drop. We switch sides but the same thing happens. During the night, when my prolactin is high apparently, boobs are full, she latches on for about 20 minutes, happily gulping and sighing with satisfaction. Why can't all of our feedings be this easy?

I've been to breastfeeding support groups, wrote to breastfeeding support chat groups and always get the same answer, everything is fine. They say I have to just trust my body, that I am making plenty of milk, just relax and let mother nature work. I don't think that mother nature is an active observer for us during the day because I feel like I am in a war between, my body and my baby. I don't want to starve her, and I know I'm not as she is gaining weight and peeing normally. But the sound and look of her during these frustrating times is heartbreaking.

Even more heartbreaking (for me) is that we gave in and supplemented her with formula for 2 feedings yesterday and one today. I will have her nurse and then when the taps are totally dry we'll give her a couple oz of formula. I hate giving her that crap, but I feel like we have no other choice.

After calling a lactation consultant we inadvertently met while Dillon was under the bili lights, we'll try the power pumping for a few days and see if that will make me produce more milk so we can get her off the formula. This stuff must be like cement because she hasn't pooped all day, so unlike her.

I really hope that things can improve for us as far as breastfeeding goes. I think it is the biggest source of stress for me since she's been born. I just want to be able to feed her and not think about it so I can enjoy this short, precious time with her.

Update and a Reality Check

All is well in our hot little house. Dillon is settling into a sorta-kinda schedule. Her colors are coming out... and they're vibrant! She's going to be a little firecracker; we can already tell. Her nickname is DQ (Drama Queen). We're hoping this is some newborn shenanigans, but if this is just her, it's still not all that bad. As long as I can pace and bounce and as long as Nickie can lactate, we'll be just fine.
I had a sobering moment in the last hour. Through some spying and lurking, I'm able to see a few photos of other children from our donor. We originally thought Dillon had Nickie's nose, but after some examination, I'm pretty sure she got it from the donor. It's a very cute button nose that a few kids seem to have. It was nice to think that Dillon was just a clone and "Mr. Invisible" was just a muted 50%....
I read some people's struggles about the Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) on a message board. A lot of parents register their kids to be in contact with others who used the same donor. Nickie and I haven't talked about this yet. Apparently, tthe DSR sells contact info to studies on nature vs nurture, which I'm not thrilled about. I also don't know how much I want to know. Does Dillon ever need to know how "popular" her donor was? Is that going to be something she'll see as a negative? I feel like through all of our planning, this wasn't something we thought out very well. I guess if she wants to seek out information, we can help her, but I don't know how much I can stomach right now. I want to just pretend she was an immaculate conception from two women in love for a little while... =)
-Ros