Thankful

Sitting pretty with mamas and Nanny.

I'm thankful for Dillon. I'm not only thankful for myself, but for the joy she has brought so many in the 4 months she's been here. Especially for my family, which has endured some pretty upsetting Thanksgiving holidays over the past couple of years.


2 years ago today my grandfather, my jiddo, choked on a piece of bread that led him to pass away a week later. That was the worst Thanksgiving ever. Seeing him in the ER, intubated and posturing, knowing that it would have been better if he wouldn't have been resucitated, was heartbreaking.


Last thanksgiving my mother was in the hospital dying of cancer, refusing blood transfusions because she was worried she would get AIDS. That Thanksgiving sucked too.

But this Thanksgiving practically erased all of those bad memories because Dillon has come into our lives. She is all my family ever talks about. They live about an hour away so they cherish each visit we make. I'm so greatful that I have been able to bring this joy to them.

I'm thankful that Dillon's 2 great grandmothers are around to enjoy her. It's so cute watching her sit on their lap and laugh at them. Dillon loves old people.

And that is what I'm thankful for. -Nickie

With Sit Sit (great grandmother) and Auntie Rachael

Community Lost

After 122 years, my childhood church held its last sermon. Because of finances and lack of membership, it could no longer stay a float; a story like many other churches. I went there from ages 3 to 22'ish. My mom was the secretary there for many years. My best friend went there. It was a place I spent my Sundays in Sunday School and in sermon. My summers were spent at Vacation Bible School and church camp. I have fond memories of potluck lunches, singing and end of the year bbq's. The members were a pseudo-family to me. I have exponential memories there that I hadn't thought much about for a long time. Now that my memories are surfacing, I'm at a loss.

I went to the farwell dinner last week and the last sermon today. I brought Dillon. It felt like I had never left. Even when I hadn't been around for years, people still knew a lot of what I was doing. I saw adults that I cared for when they were in diapers. I saw people who cared for me the same way. Everyone adored Dillon and held her like their own. I was hugged tight and long. I was home again.

I have feelings of grief, guilt and many others. One of my feelings is about Dillon. I wish she has what I had. I want her to have a sense of community. I want her to experience people who have a common cause and investment in eachother. I want her to have plentiful interactions beyond electronic. I worry that she'll miss out. I worry that she will lack the positive influences that I had.

Nickie and I have talked about it quite a few times and have both felt that religion is just not important in our lives at this point. I don't know where to go from here with this, but I want to do something.

No News is Good News

Sorry we haven't posted much. Life is just status quo. It's sad that only anger, stress or chaos are inspiring, isn't it?

Dillon's 4 months old now. She's been a blast the last few weeks. She's dying to become mobile, as witnessed by the continued constant flipping on her belly, realizing she can't crawl yet, then screaming. I'm nervous about how active she's going to be because she's ready to move and groove since day one.

I'm currently listening to the monitor waiting for the scream; this is our first night not swaddling. We're trying out the "Magic Sleep Suit" to transition. So far, so good. She napped in it earlier today for almost 2 hours (which is great when her naps are generally spirits rather than marathons). She's been in bed for 2 hours now and I haven't heard anything since I put her down. The last few nights she would scream like someone was stabbing her after she'd been in bed an hour. No phantom stabbings tonight, so I consider it a success.

What else... I have the week off, which is EXCELLENT. It's been a rough few months since I went back to work. I feel like I'm addicted to my daughter, so leaving for 8-12 hours without seeing her induces pain that is almost physical. Thankfully, Nickie can visit on most days for a quick fix. I can't express the excitement I have over my week-long binge.

Here are a few new pics. As you can see, Dillon had her first bath in the big tub. She loved it. I see swim classes in the near future.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Ros

Happy Halloween!

Nickie's working so Dill and I went to see my parents, came home and I put her to bed. Not a very exciting day. She'll have her 10/31 fun soon enough. I didn't take trick-or-treaters this year; Dillon's been asleep by 7pm most nights and Tucker (one of our dachshunds) barks whenever someone comes to the door. It was not a combination I wanted to deal with tonight.

I did a photo shoot just for fun this AM. Though I don't want to rush things, I'm looking forward to Dillon being able to sit up on her own for photo reasons. I spend half the time propping her back up (the other half is spent making faces like an idiot, but whatever it takes to get the shot!).

We hope you had a nice Halloween! -Ros

On a Roll!

Dillon is rolling over! Back to front and front to back! Though, when she rolls over on her belly, she seems to forget that she knows how to roll back and gets pretty upset. I've enjoyed watching her flip all night. Every time she does it, she looks so proud. The physical therapist I work with tells me how exceptionally strong Dillon is whenever she sees her. She's blowing past milestone after milestone like it's some sort of competition.

She's also been grabbing at things. She made her first mess by pushing a bag of frozen corn over while hanging out on the counter in her bumbo. She seems to always scope the area to find something to get her moist mitts on to shove in her mouth.

Speaking of moist...what's with the drool? She's been a faucet every waking minute for about a month now. All the cute clothes are for not, since they either get drenched or need to be covered by a huge, unfortunate bib. My only hope of keeping her dry is using a portable suction machine...(a girl can dream, right?)

Here's a pic from last week. Her hair is starting to curl more and is beyond her shoulders in the back. It's getting pretty unruly, but I can't bring myself to cut it yet. Like Nickie says, if you're going to go through an awkard hair phase, it might as well be while you're a baby. -Ros

a little something...

Ros's new hobby... LOVE IT! Just wanted to share.

Happy Conception Day!!!

Dillon is 3 months already. It's amazing how time can feel so fast, yet so slow at the same time. That's how pregnancy felt, daily it felt at a snails pace but when you look at it's entirety it was like a blink of an eye. How amazing that a human being can go from a sperm and egg to a real person in less than 10 months, crazy. Today is the day when Dillon was conceived. It's crazy how we know the exact day, but as a lesbian trying to conceive, you know the exact day of everything.

I've been back to work for a total of 3 shifts already. As sad as it is to leave Dillon for that long, it's nice for her and Ros to have their own bonding time. The transition has been pretty smooth, we were concerned about Dillon taking a bottle as she went on a small bottle strike a couple weeks before my return, but everything is fine now. It's great to have some adult conversation now and then, and to be told how beautiful my daughter is constantly isn't half bad either.

The most stressful part for me returning back to work has been pumping every 2-3 hours. The working world isn't set up for nursing mothers, especially when you are employed in a busy ER. Legally your workplace has to give you the time and a place to pump. The designated place in my hospital is a room on the 5th floor where you are lucky if the people up there can find the key. When you work in a busy ER, you try to find 10-15 minutes here and there to go and pump so your boobs don't explode or cause your milk supply to tank. I do not have the time between patients to mozy on up to the 5th floor and pray they find the key. So I resort (and all the other nursing mothers) to pumping in the bathroom in the back where our locker room is.

Pumping in a restroom is almost as gross as trying to nurse in one. There have been many a time when my chance to pump is right after another persons time to shit. So there I am, sitting in a room that smells like a septic tank, boobs out, milking myself like Bessie the cow. Thank gawd that the nose acclimates to its surroundings quickly or I would probably pass out. Another thing to be grateful for is my new IPhone, so now I can pump while listening to Melissa Ferrick or whatever else strikes me.

I am committed to breastfeeding Dillon for at least a year, and I have been toying with the idea that if we can make it that long that I will let her wean herself after that point. There will be a 2 year maximum to that plan of course because I think it's creepy when a 5 year-old is picking up moms shirt looking for a drink.

Dillon is turning out to be one great baby. The first 6 weeks had to be the hardest of my life with her crying all the time and me probably having a touch of post partum depression. Now she is a joy. She is pretty content most of the time minus being tired or hungry. She is interactive and inquisitive. She can keep herself entertained under her play gym for up to 45 minutes (if I'm lucky) in the morning so I can make myself breakfast. Dillon loves being around and watching other kids play. She is almost rolling over, getting about half way there and then getting stuck on an arm. I am totally cool with waiting for her to do that because once she does it that's it, no more alone time on the couch while I run into the other room for a minute. She's found her hands, which put a kink in our professional photos we did today as she kept on trying to suck on her index finger. We have a bedtime routine. Dillon is usually in her crib between 7-8 after Ros reads her stories and I nurse her, she'll sleep til about 2-3 then nurse and it's back to sleep til 8-9. I know we are very lucky to have such a good night sleeper. Naps are a crap shoot, but the night routine is down so we have 2 happy mamas.